Seven Commandments for Showing Love in Public

Have you ever been in public and a couple will just not stop making out?

While a couple in the heat of a PDA may be as easy to look away from as a solar eclipse or car wreck, most of us really don’t care to see other people getting frisky (unless they’re attractive AND we’re in the privacy of our own homes or sex clubs). While other cultures are more averse to PDA (the Japanese think holding hands is weird and public kissing in India could get you publicly censured), our schizophrenic stance on sexuality (damned Protestant pornography has made us all vestal voyeurs) makes the whole kaboodle conflicting and uncomfortable.

Not for nothing, I don’t mind a little bit of PDA. I’ve made out with someone in a bar before. I would say it’s not my proudest hour but I am sort of proud of it. The key to any public make out is being able to leave that place before things get out of (or IN) hand.

While I’m pretty okay with PDA, I can understand the need to a certain level of decorum. Here’s the bare minimum:

Genitalia shall not be directly touched. Glancing contact is barely okay, minimize repetition.
Genitalia shall not be unfurled. That’s indecent exposure and could get you in jail.

Any actual dirty talk shall not be said loud enough for anyone to hear unless it’s in a language you’re sure no one else can speak (Pig Latin doesn’t count).

Tongue kissing, if even attempted, shall be incredibly brief and other people in the vicinity shall not be stared at by either kisser, that’s creepy, man.

Dry humping shall occur only on the dance floor, if at all. This dancing shall primarily be to Reggaeton (Daddy Yankee) or Crunk (the Ying Yang Twins) music.
Breasts shall not be groped, see rule #1 for clarification.

If one thing begins leading to another, involved parties shall attempt to egress immediately.
While there are a few other guidelines (such as: only the lame shall put their hand in each other’s back pockets), these are the basics that will prevent society from being torn apart. Feel free to ignore these rules in other cultures and on New Year’s Eve.